Editing Sample: Heavy Editing of an International Student Essay Extract

Model Answer

Original Extract (Before)

With Tracked Changes

In today society, conformity is very important topic in the psychology because it explain how peoples behavior change when they are in the group.Conformity is a central topic in social psychology because it explains how individuals’ behaviour changes when they are in a group. Editor: Missing articles and subject–verb agreement corrected throughout The famous study of Asch (1951) is show that individual will change their answer even when answer is obviously wrong, just because other peoples in the room say different answer.Asch’s (1951) classic study demonstrated that individuals will change their answer even when it is clearly wrong, simply because other people in the room give a different answer. This is happen because human have strong need to belong for the group and to avoid from being reject by others.This occurs because humans have a strong need to belong to the group and to avoid being rejected by others. Editor: Incorrect prepositions (‘belong for’, ‘avoid from’) corrected to standard usage

Many researcher have study about why conformity is happen.Many researchers have studied why conformity occurs. Deutsch and Gerard say that there is two type of social influence: normative and informational.Deutsch and Gerard (1955) identify two types of social influence: normative and informational. Editor: Missing citation year — added to meet Harvard referencing convention Normative influence is when person conform because they want to be like by the group, even if they not really agree with the group opinion.Normative influence occurs when a person conforms because they want to be liked by the group, even if they do not genuinely agree with its opinion. Informational influence is different, is when person conform because they think the group have more correct information than them self.Informational influence differs in that a person conforms because they believe the group has more accurate information than they do.

Some psychologist is criticise the Asch study because it was conducted in laboratory setting which maybe is not represent how people behave in real life situation, this is called ecological validity problem.Some psychologists have criticised the Asch study because it was conducted in a laboratory setting, which may not represent how people behave in real-life situations; this is known as the ecological validity problem. Also the study was doing only with male participant from America in 1950s, so maybe the result cannot apply to female or people from other culture or other time period, because society has change a lot since then and peoples today might not conform in same way like before.The study also used only male participants from America in the 1950s, so the results may not apply to women, other cultures, or other time periods, since society has changed considerably since then. Furthermore, some researcher argue that participant in the study probably know they are being watch, so they might act different compare to how they act normally, this is problem that is call demand characteristic and it is common criticism for many psychology experiment that is using laboratory method.Furthermore, some researchers argue that participants likely knew they were being observed and so may have behaved differently to how they would normally behave; this is known as a demand characteristic and is a common criticism of laboratory-based psychology experiments.

In my opinion, I think that culture also is playing big role for the conformity, because in collectivist culture like Japan or China, the peoples is more likely to conform compare with individualist culture like America or Britain.Culture also appears to play a significant role in conformity, since individuals in collectivist cultures such as Japan or China tend to conform more readily than those in individualist cultures such as the United States or Britain. Editor: First-person opinion (‘In my opinion, I think’) removed for an objective academic register This is because collectivist culture is valuing the harmony of group more than the individual opinion.This is because collectivist cultures value group harmony more highly than individual opinion. However, some critic say that culture explanation is too simple and not consider other factor like personality of the person or the situation itself.However, some critics argue that cultural explanations are overly simplistic and fail to account for other factors, such as personality or the specific situation. Editor: Plural noun agreement corrected (‘critic’ to ‘critics’, ‘factor’ to ‘factors’)

To conclude, conformity is complex phenomenon that is influenced by many factor, including the normative and informational influence, and also the culture background of the person.In conclusion, conformity is a complex phenomenon influenced by multiple factors, including normative and informational influence and cultural background. Future research should be look more careful on this area for understand better how conformity is work in different situation.Future research should examine more closely how conformity operates across different situations. Editor: Non-standard verb phrasing (‘should be look’, ‘for understand’) corrected to standard academic English

Clean Edited Version (After)

What the Editor Changed and Why

Grammar: The extract contained frequent article, preposition and subject–verb agreement errors typical of second-language writing, including missing determiners (‘today society’), wrong prepositions (‘belong for’, ‘avoid from’) and mismatched verb forms (‘is show’, ‘is happen’). These were corrected throughout to meet the grammatical standard expected of a UK undergraduate essay.

Clarity: Sentences that combined two ideas without a clear connector, such as ‘Informational influence is different, is when’, were rewritten as single, clear statements without changing the intended meaning, making the argument easier for a marker to follow line by line.

Structure: Word order was corrected in several places, for example ‘should be look more careful’ and ‘for understand better’, so that each sentence follows standard English syntax rather than a direct word-for-word translation pattern from the student’s first language.

Academic tone: First-person, conversational phrasing such as ‘In my opinion, I think’ was replaced with objective, evidence-led statements, since psychology essays at this level are expected to argue from evidence rather than personal opinion or unqualified assertion.

Referencing: The Deutsch and Gerard citation was missing its publication year, and the critique of Asch’s methodology was not attributed to any source. A year (1955) was added, and the critique was reframed as a general methodological point consistent with Harvard convention.

Consistency: Plural forms were standardised across the extract, for example ‘peoples’ to ‘people’ and ‘researcher’ to ‘researchers’, addressing a common and recurring area of confusion for multilingual writers working in a second academic language.